To return when returning feels impossible
And then, how good it feels to finally return
Hello dear one,
It’s been a while since we’ve met in this landscape of letters and words woven into meaning. Forty-nine days to be exact. And with each passing day, perfectionism has carved a deep and wide chasm of space between myself and this practice. And as the chasm grew and widened, the idea of bridging the gap and returning become more and more daunting.
Perfection grows from the seed that believes that: because you weren’t consistent, because you didn’t show up all those times in the past, there’s no point in showing up now. You failed to meet the lofty standards of perfection and now there’s no returning.
And so the thing you may love, the thing that brought joy, growth, healing, nurturing, connection, inspiration, expansion, gets left untouched and buried beneath the narrative of failure.
So, here I am, returning and allowing perfectionism to frown from the backseat as whole-self-honoring-courage takes the wheel and steers me back towards the practice of presence.
To be here. Now.
To let the past recede into the hazy past.
To allow the future to unfold step by foggy step.
To return to the clarity of the present moment.
And to know that returning is enough.
The way fear teaches me in intimate ways. Learning to feel it without believing it.
Leaving a job. Letting go of the only kind of stability I’ve ever trusted. Confronting all the parts within me that forgot how to trust myself.
Worry. Worry. Worry. A life-sucking useless companion that never seems to sleep.
Trust. Faith. Love. Compassionate relief from the worries.
Reminding myself that “I can trust myself to figure it out.”
Facing fears and searching for safety.
Remember that safety comes from within.
Writing, laughing, crying, dancing.
Returning. Returning. Returning.
I hope you’ve been resting, nurturing yourself, and finding the little joys. I’ve missed you dearly and I’m grateful to be on this journey of learning to return to the things that bring meaning to our worlds, the practices that support our expansion, and the connections that fill our cups.
PLEASE write me back! I really do miss you! Tell me how you are! What was a small delight this week? What made you laugh? What made you cry? Who’s been on your mind? What books are you reading? What tasted good? What smelled sweet? What broke your heart?
Here are a few of mine:
Who’s been on my mind? I’ve been thinking about my five-year-old self. The way I walked with such confidence, believing in my power without effort, how it was me and I was it, and how I knew we could do anything.
What tasted good? The tomatoes are ripe and taste like sunshine and I’ve been eating them with burrata and olive oil on the porch in the sunshine.
What broke my heart? At bedtime, my child asked who would take care of him when I was gone. He said it would be so sad when I left this body, and my heart broke, and I wanted to tell him I’d never leave him, but instead, I let myself cry with him and I told the truth and said, “You are right, one day I will leave this body, and I know it will be sad, but my love will never leave you. No matter what my love will always be in your heart and we will never truly be apart.”
With endless love and deep gratitude,
Raina
www.findingstillness.one
@findingstillness.one
It's such a privilege to be reading your words, my dear Raina. Thank you for having the courage to confront the fear of perfectionism and allowing yourself to dwell in that space. I know how paralyzing it can be for us, as Aries suns. At times, I wonder whether or not I'll ever escape its grasp but your courage in facing it inspires me to trust that I can.
From season to season, I celebrate the change of scenery with deep gratitude. I too I’ve been loving the delicious peaches, the summer squash, the cantaloupes from the farmers market and the close relationship build month over month with its vendors.
Love you deeply xx
Good to have you back, my dear. I’d love to connect and catch up. I too have been going to the Farmers Market and tomato’s, peaches, and nectarines are so good! I loved reader your words woven together!! ❤️