The power I found inside the shell of shame
A power that has always been there
There’s a place inside that’s damp, dark, cold. Where cobwebs decorate the corners and there’s nowhere to sit because no one would want to visit this place, let alone stay a while. It’s the place inside where shame lives, but does not stay. It comes from here, but in it’s longing to be understood, held and healed, it creeps from this place like a fog. In a moments time, it can turn a blue sky day into a confused darkness.
I’ve been visiting this place recently. I follow the wispy tendrils of shame as I identify their hold on me in the present moments and attempt to slowly untangle them, hoping for freedom. They lead me here, to this damp, dark, cold place within, where shame lives.
In this place I hold these moment of shame in my hands, like stones strewn about in a dark cave. The stones seem smooth somehow, having been left to tumble for years in the ebb and flow of my inner ocean. And at first they seem so insignificant and I wonder how they could have such a hold on me. But in my hands they are like lead and the weight of what they hold is evident.
At first there is grief. The pain of so much left unacknowledged, unfelt, unsaid. So much has been buried here, deep inside. But if you flip a stone over, or better yet, crack it open, it’s there that you’ll find what was hidden by shame; strength, courage, beauty, the light of my core, like the inside of a geode, treasures waiting to be rediscovered.
Shame told me to hide, that it wasn’t safe to be fully myself. Shame said my gifts hurt others, shame told me my optimism was naive, that I smiled too much and was too sensitive and soft, fake, ridiculous, a dreamer in a world meant only for logic. Shame told me to be realistic. Shame told me to question everything. Shame told me I had no power, that I was weak, and that any confidence was fake. And so I believed I was alone and always would be, and to stay safe I would stay hidden.
But behind the shell of shame is where I find my power. And in this rediscovery, as I break through each layer, the thing that shines the brightest is the part of me that knows herself. It’s the part of me that’s always known herself. When I look back and into the eyes of my three year old self, it is clear that I didn’t start out this way, doubting myself, my power, my beauty, my strength. It’s something I learned overtime; to question myself, my worth, to question what’s inside. But this part of me, who knows herself deeply, she’s been there all along, at the core of my being. She knew we’d find our way back again. She knew we’d never really forget, because it’s the flame within, the magma at our core, connecting us to the earth, the power within her, the same power held within us, a flame that never goes out.
I wrote this piece a few weeks ago during a Blue Sky writing group.
Slow Flow Sunday morning yoga with Alyssa. She’s been guiding us through the chakras and it’s been the most lovely way to begin each week. Connecting with myself and find balance in my body and my being. I’ve felt a mix of empowered, grounded and rejuvenated through her classes. This Sunday she’s taking us through the Solar Plexus chakra. You should join us! For all of the above reasons, but also, it’s only $12!
A new tarot deck. A new first aid kit for the soul.
This Twelfth House episode. Endlessly inspired by Marlee Grace.
A playlist for moody afternoons. And really any playlist curated by Claire.
The Magician: It is time to speak aloud what it is you want. Trust that what is right for you, what is meant to be, will be. Creating something new asks for more than skill, it requires a deep faith in the not yet knowable, in that which has yet to be done, in places that you have never been before, and in experiences you can’t possibly dream up yet.
King of Cups: Salty tears can clean wounds. The only way out of deeply felt emotions is through, to allow and feel them fully, lest they get stuck, creating raw parts within you, easily triggered. What question do you need to ask yourself in order to open the door for unfelt emotions? Where can you ask for more support?
One morning last week, I walked alongside the river and made my way to a wooden dock. I wandered down to the very end, surrounded by water to the north, east and west. I tilted my head back, looked up at the sky and let my body spin in circles, arms out stretched. I stayed there, dancing with myself, danced on water, underneath blue sky, witnessed by sunshine. This song played in my ears and it was a small moment of freedom, magic, connected. To be in this body, to be able to dance and sway and move to the rhythm of my life’s ever changing heartbeat. A kind of gratitude that doesn’t fit into words.
Some questions for you, dear friend:
What do you find underneath the shell of your shame?
How do you remind yourself to trust in the unknown?
What question do you ask yourself that opens the door for unfelt emotion?
What song are you dancing to?
How is your heart?
Reply and send me a note! I’d be honored to know what whispers within you.
With endless love and deep gratitude,
Raina
Incredible. Wow. I loved the visual of cracking open the weathered stone and finding magic within.
Ughh dreamy Raina! Love this, thank you for sharing!