Remembering a deep connection, an endless support
Dissolving into earth, dissolving into self
Last weekend, nestled in my studio, I met a group of women from around the world as we came together (virtually) to heal wounds from the birthing of our children, our emergence from our own mother’s wombs, ancestral trauma and motherhood in general. Led by Lopӧn Charlotte Rotterdam and Gena McCarthy we spent the day in retreat stepping into our individual experiences and lineages, finding connections through our ancestors and, in turn, through one another. We shared the pain of having often felt deeply alone in these experiences and the shame and judgment around not having done things “right” or “better”.
We were reminded of a truth that Lopӧn Charlotte’s teacher had shared with her just after she had given birth; that, as mothers and daughters and as human beings, we will not always get it right and we will not always be good, but we will always be held unconditionally by the Great Mother.
Whether you call it “the universe”, “spirit”, “Prajnaparamita”, “the great mother” or any number of other things, the handle you use to grasp it in your mind matters little. Nor does the gendering of she/her. The power of this is beyond language, beyond gender. But to continue sharing, I’ll refer to it as “the great mother”.
Lopön Charlotte, taught that the great mother is like space it’s self, wherever you are and whatever you’re doing, you are always surrounded by it, held by it, embraced by it and no matter what, you can never fall out of it’s embrace. She also taught that it is like the earth, that it is an ever present foundational support to you, that you are born from it and of it, nurtured by it from beginning-less and endless time. And in fact, it lives within you. You do not need so search outside of yourself to find it or connect to it, for it is your true nature, the core of your being, the essence of who you are.
Though it is always within us, as a way of connecting to this unconditional love and support, we can use the earth element as a conduit or a bridge. Bringing the great mother within us closer to the great mother all around us.
In the afternoon we were led through a guided meditation during which I found myself on a bed of moss, in a grove of aspen trees. The round golden leafs shimmered and danced together in the breeze. As I lay there, I felt all the wisdom of the earth seep into my body, flowing in and moving through me. I dissolved into the earth and the earth dissolved into me and we emanated a soft light. Together again, at long last. Remembering one another, remembering our inherent connection, never lost, only forgotten.
Just before concluding the retreat we connected in small groups. We shared our individual experiences from the guided meditation and together summarized our collective experience. Then together, as one large group, we spoke aloud the visions from our hearts and the following poem emerged:
Coming home to the connected light of enriched earth.
Mothers work, release, lava coming up, all of us dancing.
Energy of the earth inside our bones.
I am held, so I can hold.
Held together in trust.
Care for the earth, body, joy.
Rest and sleep.
Going into the cave like the womb,
Where body and tension are accepted.
No judgment, all honored.
We can learn, like the trees,
How to bend, how to sway, how to heal.
Rest in beauty.
It was a profound and healing experience of the deepest remembering, of the truth of our inherent connection to the earth, one another and all beings. We are so very connected. So very held. So very supported, unconditionally and exactly as we are. There is nothing we need to do or change about ourselves in order to become worthy of this unconditional love and support. It is always there for us, embracing us in every moment.
I am deeply grateful to my own mother for not only bringing me into this world, nurturing me and continuing to growing with me, but also for being the one to share this opportunity with me and for encouraging me to attend this retreat! I am also incredibly grateful for to all of the women and mothers in my life who embody the great mother, earth wisdom, and who support and love me so deeply.
The retreat was held through the Tara Mandala, led and taught by Lopӧn Charlotte Rotterdam and Gena McCarthy and aptly titled, “Healing Birth in the Embrace of the Great Mother”.
A make shift tic-tac-toe to game that Cai fashioned out of blades of grass, clover leafs and flowers. It is such a gift to watch him bloom in creative play.
Omi and I took a walk today. We passed by a beautiful autumn tree and I thought I’d like to take a photo of him. So, to get his attention, I asked, “Where’s mama, Omi?” And without hesitation he turned my way, placed his tiny hands on his heart and joyfully squeaked, “In my heart!” His head tilted up, a grin spread across his face, proud to have known the answer immediately. My own heart burst a little, in unfounded surprise. And as we continued our walk I remembered our bedtime ritual:
Ever since Cai and Omi could talk, as I tucked them into bed at night I’d remind them that no matter how far apart we are, I am always in their hearts. Then I’d whisper this question, “where’s mama?” and they’d whisper back obediently, “in my heart”. I suppose I never really expected that this would imprint beyond the ritual of bedtime. But isn’t that the power of continually reminding ourselves of this connection, of the love we hold within us, not only our own, but that of our mothers and beyond. I hope so deeply that they always remember this.Seeing Bald Eagles on riverfront walks in the city, not once but three separate times! Rescuing fuzzy caterpillars passing over sidewalks. Building fairy homes and laying in the grass watching for dragonflies.
What am I most afraid to admit to myself or to say out loud?
And if I were to allow myself the space to release it from within, what doors might open?
Lately I’ve been noticing how afraid I am to admit when something isn’t really working for me anymore, or when I might want to try something new, or even just allowing myself to voice uncertainty about something. My fear is that by saying it out loud, or even just thinking the thought, I’ll be jinxing myself, I’ll be asking for things to go wrong. But the funny thing is, whether or not I let myself say it out loud or consciously acknowledge the thoughts, they are there regardless. And in trying to keep myself “safe” and not acknowledge them, I’m potentially keeping myself from opportunities and unopened doors that may bring more joy and abundance and connection.
I do not need to search for answers, I do not need to “know”. I need only to rest in the embrace of the universe, the great mother, sinking inward, opening, connecting, feeling, noticing, nurturing.
I know myself. I trust myself. I deeply love myself.
I wanted to say a quick thank you everyone who read my last newsletter/lovenote, and to those of you who replied with such sweet messages. It was wonderful and touching to hear from you ♡
Please feel most welcome to reply to this or any of my newsletters with anything that resonated, synchronicities in your own lives, or just to say hello and share a bit of your world with me. I would be delighted and honored to hear from you!
With endless love and deep gratitude,
Raina
