I declared I would no longer lie
Stumbling along a new path. Choosing freedom.
If I let another voice speak I’m afraid of what I might find. My heart beats a little quicker. Is it safe to say it out loud? I had a dream the night before the year began. The kind so vivid that you wake up halfway there, halfway here, disoriented and alert. I dreamt that I was away somewhere with my mother and grandmother. A vacation perhaps, or more like a pilgrimage. I stood in front of my living lineage, and through tears, I declared I would no longer lie. And I turned away and walked, floating on freedom, through an elaborate garden of flowers.
In the liminal morning space between two worlds, my head still resting on the pillow, I held onto the feeling and I planted the seed of freedom within me and I knew I was changing.
I come from a lineage of women trapped in the belief that they had no choice. Where dreams were left unlived and desires were clouded in shame. Where sacrifice was held high like a badge of honor on a pedestal of resentment.
A powerful coping mechanism was passed down, like a family heirloom. From mother to daughter we each learned to lie, to the world, to each other, but mostly to ourselves.
I find my power in choice. I choose a different path, where self-honesty is the ground beneath my feet and it feels like learning to walk all over again. I stumble and trip and honesty doesn’t always come out right, and I’m bound to hurt someone, and these new legs may lead me astray.
There is fear, steeped in guilt, as I step off the path of my past, choosing a new way. Am I leaving them behind? But I trust that I carry them with me, and together we will float on freedom.
A piece I wrote a few weeks ago during a Blue Sky writing group.
Hello sweet friend,
January has felt so tender in so many ways. I found myself unexpectedly submerged in the deepest parts of myself, visiting places within that I’d only ever seen from afar, never having felt safe enough for a closer look. And as I emerge from the watery depths, planting my feet on solid ground, resurfacing, even if only for a moment, I am so grateful to meet you here. To be here. Together, from afar. What a gift.
Today I am a little stronger. My heart a little more open. My trust a little more rooted.
Yet, even in this moment of emerging and relief, I still sense the subtle fear; that I’ll forget this trust. That I’ll lose it and the ground beneath me, finding myself struggling and grasping for certainty once again. And maybe that’s part of the practice; to let go of the desire for some kind of internal certainty, clarity, stability. To practice surrendering to the uncertainty of the journey, knowing that I will inevitably find myself back in the watery depths of it all, floating, carried by the rise and fall of the ocean within and all around.
So, today I hold the fear alongside the relief, and I remind myself, the way I remind my children; that I am safe, I am loved, I am supported, held, enough. And even when nothing about that feels solid or true, I remind myself once again.
A bouquet of pastel tulips gifted on a winter’s day.
This song. To be sung at full volume, alone, or with others, likely while dancing.
We’ve been using our fireplace for the first time in years, and I love the way its warmth draws us all close in the evening hours as we tangle together in a pile on our living room floor. Cai whispers, “This is so magical, mama!” and I hope he holds these moments close forever. I hope I do too.
Gently making space for more joy in and amongst the tenderness.
I’ve had the absolute honor and joy of getting to support two incredible humans in connecting with their elemental wisdom this past month and it has been so powerful. I’m continuously in awe of the wisdom found in these sessions. There is so much support to be found within ourselves and through the elements which connect us to everything and everyone!
I find it hard to believe that it’s really happening. To be experiencing the magic of what was once just the seed of an idea. It’s so far beyond what I could ever have imagined or dreamed of. Boundless gratitude.
If you’re curious, you can find out more about Awakening Your Elemental Wisdom here.
I’m also offering single Elemental Wisdom sessions on a sliding scale.
And, as always, feel free to reply to this email with questions, or schedule an inquiry call and we can connect more through conversation.
With endless love and deep gratitude,
Raina
