Breathing into Anxiety
What arises in the space between completion and beginning
Hello my love,
The rain is pounding down on the roof outside, announcing a renewal.
It’s 8pm, and our home is filled with the little sounds of the not-quite nighttime: the breath of the house as it creaks and groans, the ticking clock, water flowing through the gutters, my children’s voices as they ask their father for one more glass of water.
I’ve been swimming in the depths of the full-moon eclipse or something like that.
So many good things, big things, culminating, celebration-worthy things, have happened recently, and I find myself tied up in anxiety.
Anxiety lives in the space between the completion (of projects, learning, accomplishments, life, etc.) and new beginnings.
Urgency is the language it speaks.
It whispers repeated instructions, "Keep busy. Don't stop. Never slow down. Act now. Time is running out. Did you hear me?! We have no time to waste! You should have figured all of this out by now! What is wrong with you?”
I can try my best to heed the instructions, but no matter how fast I move or how hard I try, the anxiety doesn’t ease.
Instead, it simmers inside until it reaches the boiling point and transforms into impatience, frustration, then anger and rage.
The alternative is trust, presence, surrender, stillness.
All the things anxiety warns against because, in those spaces, that is where we find the truth.
That we do none of this alone because we are not separate, never have been, and never will be.
Anxiety would have us believe that we are alone, that it is all up to us, that it is our job alone to figure everything out right now, or better yet, yesterday.
And so despite the whispered instructions and warnings, I breathe into the knot that forms in the back of my left shoulder blade, where I hold the pain of every moment I’ve ever felt alone, every moment I’ve ever tried to protect myself from opening my heart, every moment I’ve spent believing that I was somehow separate, and I find tears and tenderness, and eventually something a little bit closer to trust.
You are far from separate.
You are the ocean and the universe.
You are everything, my love, and everything lives in you.
With the tenderness of learning to trust,
Raina
Remembering: I have everything I need right now.
Listening: This writing playlist, curated by
. A perfect companion for a night of newsletter writing in the rain.Experiencing: Last week I joined
as she led a group of us in a Seasonal Retreat for our business finances. At Megan’s suggestion, I gathered flowers and sweet things to eat and drink, lit candles, and leaned into the abundance of making the experience as lush and sensory as possible. I never would have imagined that looking at my business’s first quarter could feel so nurturing, supportive, and easeful, even in the moments when the numbers brought up discomfort. The sweetest part for me was having my little one, who was home sick, witness me in this practice of creating space to tend to my business through the embodiment of my values. Of course, Cai set up her own retreat at the dining room table, which was focused less on business numbers and more on the imaginative world of the tooth fairy :)
Holding Close: Snuggling with Cai before bed. Her sore throat and squeaky voice. All she wanted was tea and honey and the Great British Baking Show. Comfort in the many warm things.
With Gratitude: Wednesdays, when Che is home from work, he brings me coffee in the afternoon on a small wooden tray, accompanied by a tiny spoon that once belonged to my grandmother, a little pitcher of oat milk, and sometimes a snack.
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